


Tough On Myself

by Xicana



Series: Cheap Queen [2]
Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Emotional Infidelity, F/F, F/M, Infidelity, Moral Dilemmas, Self-Hatred, Slurs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:53:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27430804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xicana/pseuds/Xicana
Summary: Sitting alone making fun of myselfIs it so wrong to just want someone else
Relationships: Emmett Cullen/Rosalie Hale, Rosalie Hale/Bella Swan
Series: Cheap Queen [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1978942
Comments: 1
Kudos: 40





	Tough On Myself

**Author's Note:**

> As per usual, no editing.

Rosalie watches from across the cafeteria as fingers gently tear the cold pizza apart. The way the chestnut brown hair appears red in the glow of the lights—the soft curve of her lips as they lift into a small smile reserved for a select few. 

"Rose?" She turns to her left and sees Emmett and his brother looking at her expectantly. Edward's know it all personality always challenging her. 

"Yeah," she tries to watch her tone. One of the many downsides of being an outspoken woman, people think you're always mad. She shoots them a small smile.

"Are you okay?" She looks at the table, and something heavy, ugly, settles in her stomach. Rosalie avoids touching it and will do anything within her power to ignore it. 

"Yeah...why wouldn't I be?" That does the trick because the conversation resumes. 

Underneath the table, Emmett's hand rests on her thigh, and she wants nothing more than to shake it off, but there's no reason for her to feel that way. So she sits in her discomfort as she plasters a smile on her face because Emmett's the kindest soul on earth, he's safe, and he always makes sure she's happy.

And yet, he doesn't set her ablaze. She feels placated rather than excited. It's suffocating. 

"Edward's thinking of asking Bella out." She feels a rush of emotions flood her. "He was asking if you know about Bella's orientation." Rosalie looks at Edward with wide eyes. His smirk makes her skin crawl. 

He's not good enough for her. 

But no one is. 

"She's a lesbian, don't waste your time." Edward's eyebrow shoots up in surprise.

"I swore I heard she's bisexual." She feels her patience dissolve in a pool of acid bubbling up from her stomach. She swallows back the bile threatening to come up. 

"Why don't you ask the dyke yourself?" She feels Emmett flinch beside her and refrains from doing so as well.

The hideous word hangs in the air around them. Disgusted with herself, Rosalie avoids looking into Edward's stupid green eyes and Emmett's understanding blues. 

Lunch ends with a tension she wishes she could wash away with minimal effort, but her messes are always bigger than her will to clean them. So she makes her way to history. 

Rosalie feels her pulse quicken when Bella walks into the classroom. Beautiful brown eyes sweep the room and land on her. She hates the giddiness she feels every time they interact. She shouldn't feel this for Bella. 

_You're fine_

She ignores the way her stomach flips as Bella's scent wafts over her when she sits beside her. 

_You're fine_

All of it goes to hell when Bella looks at her. 

_You're NOT fine_

Her pounding heart silences the guilt that swells in her chest.

"Are you okay?" Bella's pouty lips splashed red from her constant biting break her from her trance. 

"Why wouldn't I be?" She snaps back. 

Her phone in her hand, Rosalie, caves as she texts the girl beside her. Rosalie, the coward she is, reverts to nonverbal communication to reach out. Fearful of people overhearing their communication and getting the wrong idea. 

**_Movie_**

She doesn't so much as receive another look from the girl, but she knows that she'll come through without question. 

Rosalie hates herself because she loves too much. In a non-poetic way, Rosalie would tear herself into pieces to fulfill her friend's and family's wishes. 

She loves Emmett. 

She lies beside him when they fall asleep after hearing him whisper his hopes and dreams for them. Her heart breaks with each murmured word because she wants nothing more than to be what he needs. 

However, every moment Rosalie spends with him, she resorts to pinching her thigh harshly to ground herself and prevent her mind from straying onto others. 

So standing in front of Bella's bedroom door, she expects Bella to fight her somehow or voice her disdain, but it breaks her heart further when she sees Bella lightly snoring. The peace on those features that held her heart since childhood, but Rosalie knows she can't give her what she wants.

She's too selfish for Bella; she knows this to be true. And yet, she willingly continues to take. 

Bella's destined for more, and Rosalie's destined as a trophy wife. 

Rosalie's eyes trail after Bella's sleeping expressions, her closed lids, and her innocent features. She knows she should stop before they all get hurt, but she can't help herself as she kisses her awake. 

With the sounds from those pouty lips, the lashes that flutter in tandem with her beating heart, Rosalie feels a little part of herself die every time they do this. 

She tries to carve herself into every plane, the scar on her right thigh, her mole on her clavicle, the beautiful stretch marks on her backside. Every place holds a history for them, and Rosalie feels some comfort knowing that anyone else will always be second to her. Rosalie will always be the person that taught Bella to wear her blemishes and scars proudly. 

They'll never know that when she fell off her bike in the fourth grade that Rosalie's kiss on her burning thigh healed her wound better than any bandage could. 

"Rose," she gasps into her mouth, and Rosalie feels the words curve into a hook, latching onto her insides, pulling her inside out. Emmett's earlier kiss and words on her tongue, she wants to fling herself off the girl and flee. 

But when those brown eyes open, she stays put. 

Every time Rosalie swears is the last, yet she finds her way back to Bella. 

Helplessly in love, she plays the game for everyone. Her shame rests on her skin like an odor trailing after her. When she's with Emmett, she knows she loves him, but not in the way he wishes, and she wishes too. 

But when she's with Bella. Her skin burns viciously, threatening to scorch Bella alongside her spirit. So, she does her best to make it worthwhile. Every tear shed, every heartstring tearing, Rose makes it count because if she's the worst person on earth, she's going to make it count. 

"Rose," her name sounds heavenly coming from those pouty lips, and she lets herself forget her wrongdoings. Forget her parents' expectations because, in these moments, Rosalie belongs to her desires, to Bella. 

When Rosalie holds Bella at night, she knows that she's selfish, and she wants nothing more than to end things, but she just can't. 

Her shame spins inside her on an endless loop. Bella's ability to share her with another person and never bring up their agreement doesn't sit well with her. Whether it stems from her possessive take on love, she feels anger at the thought of Bella with others. 

Rosalie hates how alive she feels in these fleeting moments of hidden kisses and whispered declarations. She detests how she hides from everyone else in her life but can always escape in the brunette's embrace. 

Wrapped around the brunette's back, Rosalie buries her face in the ruffled hair. She holds on in fear of the moment Bella realizes her worth and moves onto better things. Until then, Rosalie's stomach twists in self-loathing at her vicelike grip on Bella's life. She wishes she was stronger, more driven like the girl in her embrace. 

Rosalie remains a coward, too afraid to take control of her life beyond the expectations of others. So she stuck waiting for Bella to cut the chords. 

She feels Bella's breath hitch as her hand interlocks with hers in front of them on the bed. Rosalie resists her laughter at the situation. Bella's blindness to her position of power she holds. 

Rosalie just holds back her tears as she feels Bella drift asleep. 

She knows it'll end badly, but she doesn't mind the end because she's glad for moments like these. So she falls asleep with a small smile on her face, this one genuine because loving Bella mutes her visceral hate.

In the back of her mind, a small voice of hope spreads like a virus. Pushing her toward the brink because Bella loves her, even if she shouldn't, and that's all she needs. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it. I swear I can write fluff and sweet stories, lol.
> 
> Feel free to leave any feedback, provide input for any future one-shots, or even just react. I love reading them.


End file.
